Sunday morning, we snuggled in bed, me nestling against Pär's chest while he lay on his back. I accidentally poked my knee into his thigh.

"Ow! What was that?"

"My kneecap, sorry." I moved it.

"Be very careful, okay? Because now it's resting right on top of my genitalia and it could do a lot of damage." (Yes, he did use the word "genitalia".)

"I'll be very careful," I said, moving my other leg closer and accidentally poking that knee into his thigh.

"Ow! Kneecaps of pain!"

"Sorry, sorry," I said. "But wouldn't that make a good title for a movie? Kneecaps of Pain."

"Starring...?"

"Bruce Campbell. He'd play a villain whose knees had special powers to inflict pain on anyone who crossed him. It would show on the SciFi channel."

"Kneecaps of Pain," Pär mused.

"Yes. If there were a show by that name on Lifetime: Television for Women, it would be about a woman who suffered from a debilitating kneecap disease, and had to contend with the insensitivity of a medical establishment who didn't believe her. Then it would be about her brave struggle to adjust to life without kneecaps, and her martyred triumph."

"It totally would be, too."

"What if it were on the Nature Channel?" I suggested.

"I saw a program on the Nature Channel once about two elephants mating and it was so bizarre. Do you realise the male elephant is like three times the size of the female elephant? I mean, she was big, but he... it was like watching a Beetle and an SUV going at it. The huge bulk of him on top of her; I swear her feet sank into the ground. She seemed to be enjoying it, but my god, she must be made of reinforced titanium to withstand that crushing weight. So I think that segment should be named Kneecaps of Pain."

"Good one," I said.

"What if it were on C-Span?"

"Then it would be live coverage of some guy standing before a senate hearing committee, reading a dry report about the nation's kneecap problems and proposing that legislative action be taken to do something about it, but I wouldn't watch for long enough to find out what."

"I like C-Span."

"I do too, except for when they show endless coverage of congress in session."

"Those are boring," he admitted. "Okay, what if it were on ESPN?"

"It would be a compilation of slow-mo clips showing all the great moments in sports history in which football players and hockey players and such have fallen down and broken their kneecaps. With enthusiastic commentary."

"And on the Spice channel...." Pär paused, thinking.

"Hmm," I said. "Yes, it would be a movie about a blonde girl who spends all her time on her knees, and has to go home and bandage them up and take hot steamy baths to soothe them. But then she goes right back out and gets back on her knees again to do the job right. She loves what she does, you see, and doesn't mind the pain."

"Discreetly put," Pär said. "I think you should go into more detail. And tell me about it slowly...."

"Maybe some other time," I said primly.

"Hee hee! Okay, if Kneecaps of Pain was on that country-western channel, it would be the title of a song about a jaded housewife who's on her aching knees, scrubbing her floors, dreaming about her man..."

"...And how he left her flat broke, but she hopes he's a-comin' back someday."

"Stand by yer man," Pär sang in a deep bass voice, to the tune of the opening notes of Beethoven's 5th.

"Or in this case," I added, "kneel by yer man. Oh no wait, that was on the Spice Channel."

"And what if it were on MTV?"

"Well, ten years ago I would say Kneecaps of Pain would have been the name of a garage band that was on light rotation so their video only got played at three in the morning. But on MTV today I think it would be a 'reality show' where seven people are forced to be stuck in a big room together, with nothing but a bunch of baseball bats, and they have to break each other's kneecaps while cameras record the whole thing. And you'd get voiceovers of them commenting on how some of the others are really dysfunctional kneecappers, and there's one woman who kneecaps everyone in a really goofy and sincere way so they all like her despite the fact that they all have Kneecaps of Pain."

"So what would it be on Comedy Central?"

"I dunno. I think it might be this conversation."

Fifty-seven channels with Kneecaps on.